How to Deal with [Difficult] People

How to Deal with [difficult] People. 

Do you find yourself in conflict with others often?  Whether it is someone close to you, someone you work with, or a complete stranger, they can get under your skin.  Do you blame them or do you blame yourself?  Well, what if you ended the blame game and started opening your eyes to a different culprit? The intended result! Below is a mindset formula from the Neuro-linguistics programming (NLP) presuppositions that is sure to change how you deal with people forever:

Every behavior has a positive intended result.

Every behavior has a positive intended result.

Every behavior has a positive intended result.

Read the first line out loud normally, read the second line out loud but a little slower, and read the third line out loud, even slower, and think about the words you are saying. Let that sink in for a bit before continuing the read…

To avoid redundancy, I will refer to positive intended result as PIR.

Now, if you didn’t get that light bulb going off in your head, then you are either not getting it or you are skeptical.  So let me break it down for you.

What is PIR again? 

When somebody does something–anything– it is always because their intention is to have a positive outcome.  

Scenario 1: If you head out to work (behavior), your PIR is to arrive at the place that pays you money for your service.  That money is used for your livelihood.  Positive.

Okay, so that was an easy example of the formula. Let’s use the same example but we will change up the behavior (which changes the PIR). 

Scenario 2: You head out to work and while driving, someone cuts you off.  This enrages you and you flip them off while cursing at them in your car.  They see this and start gesturing that they too are angry because you didn’t let them in.  You engage in a back and forth gesturing match like a couple of driving baboons until it is time for them to turn off, allowing you to proceed to work.  

What’s the difference? 

The difference is that in scenario 1, your behavior was congruent with the PIR.  In scenario 2, your behavior changed the PIR when you perceived this other person as disrupting your commute to work. The new behavior had the PIR of releasing aggression. Once that PIR was attained, you changed your behavior back to getting to work. The problem with scenario 2 is that the behavior changed the original pursuit (getting to work to get that paycheck).  In this case, the original pursuit was just delayed, however there are times when this can get you into a lot of trouble pushing that original pursuit farther and farther away from you or extinguishing it altogether.

How can I use PIR to deal with others? 

When dealing with others, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the emotion of their behavior instead of seeing what their intention is.  

Have you ever watched a child who just learned to tie their shoes get angry and cry because they are struggling?  It’s easier to see the bigger picture because we understand what their objective is so we don’t get wrapped up in their tantrum.  

When a partner is displaying behavior that negatively impacts you, it is important to understand what the positive outcome is that they are pursuing and help them to continue their pursuit.  The behavior may be due to frustration because they may view you as an obstacle to their outcome.  It may be that they are looking at the outcome with a suboptimal point of view.  Our perspective controls the behavior we engage in when pursuing a positive outcome.  If the outcome takes longer than expected, has obstacles, or is no longer something we can pursue, we get cranky.

So what do you do?

First of all, you must understand that their negative behavior is not a reflection of who they are as a person. I will write more about this in my next blog.  For now, just hold onto that statement.  

Our behavior is NOT a reflection of who we are as a person. 

This makes it easier to understand that the behavior is simply a reaction to the positive pursuit.

In order to deal with others, you must separate the behavior that they engage in from the intended result.  If you can train yourself to do this, you will be amazed at how you will be able to see through the behavior and track the pathway to the intended result just as clearly and unemotionally as you see the the child struggling to tie their shoes. If you care about the person having the meltdown, you can support them by offering a different method or point of view to get the positive result that they are pursuing.  If you don’t care for the person having the negative behavior, you can choose to not be affected by their behavior and move on, unemotionally, pursuing your own positive outcome. 

In our daily lives we interact with all kinds of people.  It is important to learn how to deal with them in a way that doesn’t knock you off of your own pursuit.  It will give you the mental clarity to be able to help those you care for, and the armor to deflect the emotions of those who you do not care for.  Become a stronger version of yourself by running this formula.  It will be difficult at first because you already have a lot of repetitions dealing with people how you currently do. If you can replace the habit of getting overly emotional with this formula, many new doors will open up for you and your positive results.  It’s time to get smarter with how we deal with those around us.

–Jay Skeeters